I am struggling today.
And I mean struggling, y’all. Let me tell ya, I’ve been blessed with a plethora of struggles in life – like pimples and insomnia and trying to not look like I just ran a marathon after going up only two flights of stairs (too many Oreos, y’all). However, I’m talking about a different kind of strugglin’ today.
This is the kind of struggling where my spirit feels burdened, and my heart feels heavy.
It’s always hard for me to admit, especially to God, that I am struggling with sin in my life. There’s this lil picture that I’ve come across on Twitter at least 48847234 times in tweets that usually look something like this:
When I see these tweets, my insides are like, “I feel dat, homie.” I resonate with that spiffy, coffee-drinking dog in the picture (even though I think coffee might just be watered-down tar) because I have a strong tendency to compartmentalize my sins and trick myself into thinking that everything is just dandy – when in reality, everything is very not dandy.
Lately, though, my sins have been much heavier than usual; I’ve found myself dealing with much more burdensome sins. And guys, I’m feelin’ that burden. It’s weighing heavily on my soul, and worst of all, it’s polluting my spirit.
You see, I recently finished up an awesome 10-day devotional series by Hillsong revolving around the point that my spirit is my responsibility. One of the most important things I learned from that lil study is the fact that if I allow sin to take hold of my spirit, it will pollute it, and if my spirit is polluted, then my [spiritual] gift is polluted.
HOMIES, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing lately! Like I said earlier, it’s always hard for me to admit that I am, in fact, not perfect and struggle with flaws and sins daily (especially on this wildly popular blog where the entire internet can see just how imperfect Llama really is). However, I’m admitting it, y’all: I’ve let my sins take hold of my spirit, and I’ve let them pollute my spirit. I’ve allowed bitterness to get the best of me. I’ve allowed pride to get the best of me, and now, I know that I’m reaping what I’ve sowed because I can feel the adverse affects of those sins on my spirit. And GUYS, I don’t want my spirit to be polluted! I don’t want these sins to continue weighing me down and hurting my friendships! I feel like a very agonized Paul in Romans 7 when he exclaimed, “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?” (v. 24, NLT)
But Y’ALL, this afternoon, in the midst of all my furious journaling and agonizing over my burdens of sin and weary, polluted spirit, I remembered, “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28, NIV) And then ensued a broken-hearted Llama crying out for God to give her REST from these sins that were weighing her down.
I could go to the gym every day for the rest of my life (which I most certainly will not be doing), and I would never be strong enough to carry the weight of my sins on my own – which is why I am so incredibly thankful that I have a God that is willing to carry my load. I am so thankful that God made such a merciful and graceful sacrifice that freed me from having to overcome my sins, because I will never rise above them on my own.
So yeah, I’ve been struggling lately. My heart and my spirit have been hurting beneath the weight of my own sins – but they don’t have to be. I ain’t gotta carry this heavy sin, y’all, because I have a Savior who already carried it all for me, and I have a God who provides rest to His children. //
I don’t post heart-to-heart truths like this very often; I’m usually much more consumed with trying to manipulate my social media to make myself seem as though I am literally perfect and have everything together and labeled. However, God has worked in my heart so much lately, and if I didn’t use this blog to share His glory then I would probably be wasting internet space (“internet space”). So, it was nice to have a little dose of honesty around here.
Therefore, expect an extra dose of humor on the next post.
(Just kidding, I’m not even funny.)
P.S. Check out the 10-day Hillsong devotional series I referenced earlier! I would give it a solid 10/10. http://hillsong.com/blogs/collected/2015/january/day-1-guard-your-spirit#.VTM0KVxN3zI